Zero 2 Hero?

Sex and Impotence

by Zero2Hero @ Tuesday, 01. May, 2007 – 10:26:00

Second day without MJ and at the moment things are still clear. Although I can feel the angst and the short fuse encroaching on me already - day ten is supposed to be crazy plate lady day - if I can manage that far.

Back to my 9 point plan - OK this is a hard (Freudian slip) topic to say the least.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erectile_dysfunction

Erectile Dysfunction? Impotence? Or Mr Floppy?

I do not talk to anyone about this – Matthew and I had therapy in 2005 which actually did help? But things have deteriorated since then. It all came about from abuse of Viagra which I used to use regularly for that extra little boost. It then got to a point when I couldn’t perform without it. I had tests as I was sure that there had to be a physical reason – it couldn’t possibly be a mental issue. Alas I had testosterone levels checked (never thought I had that much anyway as I can’t even grow a beard at 37) and they were slap back in the middle of the average levels. Damn it was in my head! It still doesn’t feel like it is. Here are all the contributing factors I thought it could be.

1.                  HIV medication? Maybe! some say they mess about with libido – No I can’t blame that too obvious and a cop out
2.                  Viagra damage? Sounds viable perhaps I should research that – more on that later if I ever get round to it
3.                  Smoking? Yes it could be that – the packets all warn about it – but have given up for 4 months now.
4.                  MJ? Herbal? Pond? (talking in code again now – not a very difficult code though is it – not sure you will need the Enigma machine for this). Yes a strong possibility but I will have to see whether it makes a difference now I am trying to stop that.
5.                  IT’S ALL IN MY HEAD! Well that would tie in with point no 4

Impotence is a vicious circle. Once it happens once you feel like it might happen every time – and when you have that thought then yes it will. The best time to catch me is first thing in the morning when I am not fully conscious – but that is hardly conducive to a great relationship – the lonely hearts ad writes itself really doesn’t it.

So I try to avoid sex at the moment - never thought that would happen. Eeshck! It's behind you and smells of burning flesh!

Health and HIV

by Zero2Hero @ Monday, 30. Apr, 2007 – 17:50:19

12 years later and "I'm Still Here" - surprisingly. I used to think I wouldn't make 30 and then the mantra was that I wouldn't reach the age my mother was when she died - 34. Now at 37 there is no mantra. Result!

The weight loss is depressing from an aesthetics point of view but then I was always a victim of vanity. My legs are as thin as pipe cleaner due to this lipodystrophy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lipodystrophy

This causes my knees to hurt on a regular basis as my legs are not strong enough to bear my weight for a very long period of time.

My skin is covered in Spider Angiomata all over my truck and to my horror - the face.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider_angioma

But I am alive so I do not feel that I should complain. I will not talk about this topic very often as it is not the main focus of my life anymore, but it's important that it's out in the open. Brave or Stupid? I deal with it only when I have to. The tablets have no side-effects any longer that I can tell so I will count my blessings.

I am definitely one of the lucky ones.

On A Clear Day

by Zero2Hero @ Monday, 30. Apr, 2007 – 16:23:11

Well it all got off to a bad start yesterday didn’t it? Today is my first ‘clear’ day for a considerable amount of time. So far I feel fine. I have not had a ‘herbal’ all day and I am trying to keep things like that – but I have no idea whether I can or whether I will. That being said this is where you will find out my innermost thoughts on the topic.

Reading my musings from yesterday (which at the time I thought were profound and amusing) now seem dismal and confused.

Commit to paper (or blog) to get it all out of the head and keep track of my state of mind – sound advice indeed from a Mother Superior.

I am at a point where I could spiral out of control if I don’t take charge in all of the following areas.

1. Health and HIV
2. Sex and Impotence
3. Relationships
              i. Matthew
             ii. Becky
            iii. Danny
             iv. Karen
4. My Fame
5. Breadcrumbs TV
6. Sticky Productions
7. Chemicals
8. Money
9. Physicality and looks

All these in my life are at a critical(ish) stage. Procrastination is my middle name, which makes credit cards look rather weird, and has stolen a good year of my life that, at nearing forty, I cannot afford to waste.

As I slide into the world of celebrity I will keep you posted on those celebs I come across - which is the lightherated and fun part of my experience in the media (for the reader) but right now I feel is a nasty, dark and vicious place.

Hercules was a zero who became a hero according to Walt. I am aware that he is a cartoon and way out of my league, but it's nice to have a goal however unreachable - in fact I feel that I have more chance of becoming pen and ink than I do a media mogul - but don't let me colleagues at Breadcrumbs TV know that.

I shall take this process slow and make sure I write the things that need to be said – watch this space and wish me luck. Here we go!

In Today's Class

by Zero2Hero @ Sunday, 29. Apr, 2007 – 14:08:23

Maybe one of the last days hiding behind the unfolding curtain of doom - the herbal, or pond to give it its more comical term.

It's a must that I address my thoughts - "Good day to you Dear Thought" because right now things can go in all sorts of directions and I am now unclear of who I am and what do I have the ability to do. I don't mean in a 10pm, Sci-Fi Channel, best ratings, girl from Ally McBeal, Jack Coleman is fit, kind of way but with the fame issue - do I pursue that?

Things really can only get better and I need to keep track of where I am in regards to various topics - As you, the reader, can tell I am incoherent and I have a lot to learn about this process - in so many ways (including spell-check - you will be glad to see I didn't go for the obvious joke.)

Here is my list of areas to address and keep abreast off in an orderly and Monica way. Rules help control the fun. Those 6 have really replaced by real friends - I can trust what they are going to tell me and pre-empt their responses. I Know You So Well

Eek Matthew is here with the boys! Hold that thought!

Bear Your Soul?

by Zero2Hero @ Sunday, 29. Apr, 2007 – 13:50:57

Bear Your Soul? Is that the same as spiders in your teeth? Ah Lucy the slut - happy days. The ramblings of a mad man or the memories of a good time gal? There are no consonants for the barrow boy - it would hurt that little too much day in and day out and we forgive them this. And oh how we laughed.

You want mental health? Well mental health costs and right here is where I start paying - in words!

Herbal is upon us! We rejoice - we avoid closeness and wallow in the shell.

Without having a starting place this is as best as any. Fasten your seatbelt it's going to be a bumpy ride for me.